Sleepy

February 6, 2012 in Musings | Permalink

Last night at work I was enjoying pleasant conversation but as the night wore on I grew more and more tired, between the worry of the house, the acceptance of the house, doing taxes, realizations on how tight things will be for a period of time as we push to get rid of my debt, and then the acts of packing the townhouse and caring for logan… added onto with the joint worry of beth and I for the new baby… it has us a little on edge, not sleeping well, etc. So last night I didn’t make it to the end of my shift before falling asleep there at my desk. Thankfully I was not asleep long before I woke up with a jerk, popped the computers off and ran out the door.
Don’t get me wrong, people at this job, especially on a slow night, fall asleep all the time. One gentleman has his seat set up so it’s almost like a bed.. he comes in on 3rd shift, does a little bit of work and then leans back and goes to sleep not to be woken again unless something comes his way. I don’t like doing it. I can’t stand seeing people do it.
Today i have plans to pack up more in the living room and some more in the dining room, try to arrange boxes accordingly, and then take a nap

That’s the plan anyway

Writing Ideas…

January 31, 2012 in Curiousities, Musings, Writing | Permalink

Where do you get your writing ideas? How do they pop to you? Are they formulated, stirred, and baked until done or do you have a spontaneous thought and you go AH HA!?

For me the later is mostly the case and sometimes I have come up with some really fantastic ideas.. and some of them haven’t been told before even… i know Right??? But what I was wondering was where does an idea like My Cousin Vinny come from? I love this movie.. it is a great comedy, a court room drama, and there was that moment of realization that while Vinny may not be the brightest bulb in the lamp he’s got it where it counts… after all.. HE spotted the tracks that Lisa later testifies to.

But I digress… where does an idea like that come from? Did the story build and then they looked for some odd fact to make the case or … in my mind this is the more likely… did someone note this interesting fact about two similar cars (the Skylark and Tempest) and think how easy it would be to confuse the two in difficult situation.. and boom.. a story was born!

Anyway… this is my momentary writing musing

A new year

January 30, 2012 in FRUSTRATIONS, Jobs, Musings, Writing | Permalink

Wow I really had no idea I had allowed this much time to go by since my last update.. but i am pretty sure i have mentioned on more than one occasion how bad I am at updating, blogging, etc. So it’s the end of January… it’s Beth’s birthday in fact and she just turned 29!

Okay… so where to start… remember WAYYYYYYYYYYY back in august I was posting about the job that came and then went poof? And others lined up for interviews? Well… I got one… it was a t a small company called Calyx. They were all of 6 people strong, including me with a 7th who came back to the company after interning there over the summer. For all of my experience in the help desk industry it hardly helped me squat on this job is this was SO hands on, server based, Exchange and Active Directory i was a swimming guppy among sharks… but i grew and learned quickly… remembered other bits and made suggestions where i thought it might help. The only problem with the job was the money. Everything else was fantastic… dress code, hours, office setting, people.. it all rocked. As I said.. the issue was the money. I was making less money than i had made in nearly 12 years (as a computer person). But I was willing to make that work to my advantage.

Shortly in though Jones Day, the company i worked for as a temp, was thinking they needed to fill a position that had opened up… that said.. there seemed to be TWO opening positions… and then THREE… but two different departments. It seemed there was a bit of a race to see who could land me and for the first time in along time i felt Wanted in the business world. So the higher of the two positions, System Administration, baited me, hooked me and then made their offer. I coughed. No.. I choked. I was honestly expecting MAYBE 60% more than Calyx was paying since I KNEW was the help desk side of Jones Day was offering… so when they came back with a number almost exactly DOUBLE what i was making at Calyx I could not possibly say no… i think I skipped my entire walk over to see Beth and get the car. I was amazed to say the least.

So my first day at Jones Day was Nov 1. I was immediately told i had X number of sick days and X number of vacation days left for the year… basically the normal amount of sick and vac time / 6. Again… something I was completely NOT used to as most companies you have to earn said time off, etc etc… AND I got to carry over the unused vacation time AND accrued 2.5 more days because firm holidays fell on days i was not scheduled for!!! So in 2012 I have 20 vacation days, 10 Sick Days, and, in theory, 10 Holidays…. however most of those holidays fall in my work schedule and if i work them I get time and a haolf on non-federal days, double time on things like July 4, memorial day, etc.

So…. that’s that on that end… i have not done squat about my mental issues except further diagnose myself from here to the moon but i really do think i have a pretty good handle on what the Primary issues are and then we’ll see… but i won’t really know until IO make that first step

Which would be SO Easy considering the shift I work

On top of this i am once again writing.. some.. sort of… on the short book i want to write and see if i can publish out.. first i a planned series.. which might be easier if i had my mental issues in check… ahh the revolving door. CHECK!

All for now

Varied thoughts on a tuesday

August 16, 2011 in Musings | Permalink

At this time…  was it last week or two weeks ago I had a job all lined up…  it wasn’t a great job but it was a job…  I show up to sign some pre-employment paperwork as I was hired via the phone just a few days before and when I arrive I was told they no longer wished to move forward with the interviewing process.  Interviewing process?  But you hired me!  Ah well, that’s life, right?  Today I have one job setting up interview with me for tomorrow and another possible in the coming days.  I am hoping this means things are looking up because right now up is where I need to look.

A question…  to those who read…  if there are actually those who read…  do you listen to the radio? Watch TV? Read magazines?  There is always an ad for this or that…  how to save money!! How to lose weight!! How to enlarge your…  bank account (you thought I was going to say penis didn’t you!) and they are interesting ads that fill your brain with Ooooo’s and Ahhhhh’s…  but really…  I don’t need them.  I will get back to this in a moment.

The human body is an amazing instrument…  it’s design is so fantastic…  but like any great machine it is not without its flaws…  some models are made more fragile than others while some are so damned durable they may outlive cockroaches.  The brain…  I think…  I am welcome to corrections here…  creates two very powerful chemicals called Melatonin and Serotonin.  While they both have a variety of effects within the body they are best known for their effects on sleep and mood respectively (though Melatonin seems to have some mood and psyche effectiveness as well which makes sense since so many people I know with mood disorders have sleep disorders too).  Anyway…  both of these are chemicals my body could use more of I think…  I have mood issues as previously discussed in this journal and I certainly have issues with sleep and the more I wonder about one the more I contemplate the other…  where could this take me…  what kind of shape would I be in?  So, like my previous passages have said it has me wondering since Melatonin seems to have such effects on things like weight, sleep, mood…  if I had more of it, small amount, 2mg per se, would that help with the other problems I have?  This ties back to my wanting a shrink to help me with my adhd, give me Something for it, and see if that cures my other problems as well…  all of this is of course still untested.

Anyway…  so this brings me back to my ad issue on the radio.  I am overweight…  not so much as I was before but more than I should be.  I have issues with money….  not having enough of it.  Too much weight, not enough money.  Both of these can, supposedly, be solved by buying product X, Y, and or Z!!! But really…  I just need another tonin chemical….  like Wilatonin or something.  The willpower chem, ya see!

How does one save money?  Don’t spend it.  Simple enough.  Sure we all have money we NEED to spend but then there’s the money we choose to spend…  Ooo a new Xbox game is out.  oh this game is awesome and only requires a 14.95 month subscription…  we can pay that Easily…  oh that drink looks good on this hot day…  Mmm I am craving Chinese food (which I am).  The point here is there is a difference between what you need to spend (Rent, car, gas, necessary food) and what you want to spend….  so stop spending what you want to spend and you save money.  Easy as that right?  Sure, for the right person.  Now…  the next part of that is…  how do you not only save but perhaps save long term by paying down debt?  Take all that money that you want to spend on food, Xbox, drive-thru, etc.  etc.  and toss it to the bills…  a double payment on the Credit card, school loan, mortgage, etc.  A good friend of mine paid off his mortgage in 7 years…  SEVEN years…  by throwing every spare dime at the house.

I look at finances and I see how I could easily do it.  Stop getting coffee out.  I do not do this but let’s say you and your significant other get coffee out every morning…  not cheap convenience store coffee but dunkin doughnuts or einstein bagels or some such and you do this every morning and the staff knows you and it’s compulsory by this point…  even 5 days a week.  Let’s say that coffee is generously only $1.50 each…  so $# a day for 5 days is $15 a week or $770 a year.  The friend of mine who paid off his house buys a bag of coffee at Costco for $16 and it lasts him 2 months…  so $96 a year vs.  $770.  Sure there’s cost of sweetener and milk or whatever tossed in so we can make it $150 vs.  $770 but you get my point…  that $620 is rent for some people for a month, 3 car payments, etc.  etc.  and that type of spending or savings is universal!! BUT…  I can’t do that.  Some morning s I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off thinking about this and that and the last thing I want to do is make coffee, make breakfast, even grab a cereal bar..  So I head out, grab it on the go and not only spend money I do not need to but take in more calories than are needed leading me to point two…  food.

Losing weight is easy…proper diet, proper portion control.  Those two alone, if you know your body type will allow you to lose weight…  maybe not carry it well, but lose weight…  so add in a little exercise and you’re good to go!  I don’t need a hoodia pill or whatnot to keep my appetite at bay all day I need to watch what I eat, how much of it I eat and get my fat ass to the gym.  But more often than not I do not…  a portion to me is not the same as it is to others…  it is when I can keep myself strict on my diet..  4 oz.  of protein and some veggies and starch and viola…  dinner…  but most times…  no.

My point is…  I know HOW to eat right…  to save money…  to pay down debt…  I just seem to lack the willpower to do it…  so maybe if there’s a willatonin in the brain somewhere I can get that??  Or who knows…  maybe once I get myself in the right mindset…  sleep, not quite so mental in a headcase sort of way…  the rest will fall into place?? Huh? Maybe?  I don’t know…  but if I had better

I have a job

August 3, 2011 in Musings | Permalink

It’s not a great job or even really a good job but it’s pay and someday down the line benefits and something to tide me over while i look for something else

Tuesday… first of the morning questions…

July 26, 2011 in Musings | Permalink

So… if you were not working.. and Unemployment was kind enough to say.. hey… we’ll actually pay you this time… and you got a tentative job offer that paid MUCH less than your minimum asked for salary.. so much less in fact that it Barely would give you more money than unemployment.. what would you do (Tack on the idea that the job is third shift)?  My thoughts are two-fold… one… (and these are questions i have e-mailed the job about to find out) are there benefits involved? Paid time off? Possibility for raises and advancement to other positions that may pay more?  I keep in mind that as a night job this would still allow me to look for a job during the day but then I wonder is there any reason as to why another prospective employer might look at me, look at the job i am working and then frown on me so easily dumping a low paying third shifter for them and wondering would i just do the same to them?

Or i could hang out, continue looking for work and rely on unemployment for a bit knowing at any time they could ask me for information on the jobs i have been posting at, applying for, visiting, etc and if they are not satisfied cut me off…. i actually asked my father and surprisingly he’s on the “stay on unemployment rather than getting stuck in a possible dead end job” which really blew my mind away because my father is not a “work the system” kind of guy

Totally different topic – have you ever seen toy story?  Have you ever wondered just how accepting the characters in this world are?????  Okay, as a child i can see that Andy may not question too much the fact that at the end of the first movie he hears a CLACK 12 inches from his head and looks in a box that he’s been sitting next to now for 5 or 10 minutes and hey look.. buzz and woody are RIGHT THERE!!!…. then in the second movie though… Mom tells mr chickjen man that Woody is an old family heirloom… and we know he’s old, 50 years approximately based on his pre-sputnik existence, so at the end of the movie Andy yells out New Toys and thanks his mom.. she doesn’t answer and she certainly did not set up the display for him… didn’t that EVER come up in conversation and don’t you think she might inquire where he suddenly ended up with two more antique toys???  He just came home from cowboy camp.. who did he steal them from??   And last… in TS 3… well… let’s not get too deep here but the house phone calls him.. he answers his cell phone.. he doesn’t recognize the number? and at the end… he had placed a bag of his toys in the hall way that never made it to the attic.. mom threw the bag away and we later see him distraught over this fact… so at the end of the movie.. he has a box in the middle of his room completely empty labelled for the attic and turns around to pick it up… either to fill it or.. who knows but now he opens the box and… Ta daaaaaa… his toys!!

Granted.. this world has talking and living toys so one could presume since the dawn of time strange things like this occur daily… but it just makes me think IQ’s in the TS world aren’t too high…. keep in mind though… i love the movies.

Monday and allergies

July 25, 2011 in Musings | Permalink

It’s monday morning and i have logan with me today.  While not working we’re still giving logan some interaction with his friends on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and I keep him Monday and Friday which lessens the money we pay out for daycare.  All things considered it’s working well so far I think.  The only problem today is I wish I had sent him to daycare because my allergies are acting up so badly that I am not being a very good dad.. it’s been pretty much tv all day with very little park time while i waited for these meds to kick in and they pretty much never did.. i even double dosed myself in hopes.

I also have severe light sensitivity on days like today which causes my eyes to water up and triggers sneezing at times.  I have an interview today which i am not too sure about.  I know little about the company even After researching them.  Sad, no?  I hope for the best all the same as I would rather be pulling in a check that makes a difference than just what unemployment is giving me.  Any money is good money right now, I know that, but we need more to survive on.

More soon

Mid summer

July 24, 2011 in Musings | Permalink

Has it really been nigh on two months since i last wrote? slipping to old ways i suppose.  Been out of work since June 30th and unemployment finally kicked in though the stupid waiting week sucked up one of the weeks of pay I was expecting… but i guess getting something is much much better than getting nothing, yes?

Time with logan is wonderful and time without him helps me to try to set up interviews and do resumes, clean house and the like though not all of that happens and most of the interviews have been phone or scheduled when i have him… fun right?

I am toying with a new story idea… along with all the others i have toyed with… but it goes on the idea that people are out there.. people i know.. getting published through ePublishing, a medium that up until recently i viewed as crap… but then i started thinking… Seriously… okay the books are smaller, they’re often dwindled stories but they’re being read… which is more than i can say about my own.  My stories sit in my head and go no where… and who is to say that i cannot, later down the line, if i manage to find a publisher for some eBook, find a way to get a larger story in print and on book store shelves (providing there are bookstores still in existence *sighs about Borders Books*.  Anyway i have an idea of crossing two very popular genres right now in ePublishing and seeing how it’s accepted.. and looking around, a little research, there’s not much of what i have in mind.. yet.. so maybe get in on the ground floor!!

I am still having a ton of trouble with my ADHD and depression and mood swings and this is a key component to not writing anything of late but i have to at least try to get ideas down… thoughts, processes, concepts.  My D&D game, in my mind, is suffering from this as well as i had such terrific ideas and plans and now executing them is going so slowly.

Other than this.. life is going well enough… i want to say more and maybe i will tonight when i am not rushing. Miss you all!

Real feel of 96 with no wind

May 31, 2011 in FRUSTRATIONS | Permalink

So it’s Tuesday, last day of maym just had a fantastic weekend with family that ended not so fantastically.

We attended the Memorial Day parade for Irontion, Ohio, government recognized as the longest contiguous running memorial day parade in the country.  Other cities try to lay the same claim, but they got the gov’t behind them.  It’s run since the day Commemoration Day was declared and never has the city missed a parade regardless of weather or city finance.

Anyway… so we attended and got Logan all decked out in his red white and blues, got him a little flag and got him waving it like the patriot he is.  He was so damned cute.

We got to the parade and got seats early so we’d be out of th sun most of the time and right up where logan could see it all.  He kept walking into the street and being adorable. Everyone loved him but he also mooched a little candy off the

young guy next to us. He was more than happy to give some but i think the candy coupled with the heat of the day caused him to get sick later on.  We were at dinner, he seemed to be very distraught and unhappy and wham, sick.  He was so sad and crying and looking embarrassed.  We assured him it was okay and that he wasn’t in any trouble, cleaned him up but he just sobbed and sobbed.  Eventually I got him calmed down on my shoulder and he fell asleep.  We took him to the very hot car, got driving and I sat in the back with him for much of the ride after that and we got him a drink of Gatorade to help cool him off and replenish what he lost.  He seemed fine the rest of the night but very tired.  He started falling asleep again about 8 and was conked by his normal bedtime.  I got him in the cool room and he was out til about 5am.

This morning he wasn’t too interested in waking or staying up but seemed to perk up once he was at Smiley’s Daycare with one of his favorite people Mr Steve.  The day was another scorcher, hot and humid… I started a new schedule, temporary i hope, and i don’t like it.  It’s keeping me away from Logan which is a big suck fest but I do it, as I did with EDS, in hopes that it will curry favor with those above.  I cleaned, some, though I too came down with a little something yesterday and it’s had my stomach sour as can be.  I tried to eat to no success until nearly 9 oclock when i could eat a sandwich.  Hopefully the bread will mellow things out in the stomach.  The tem was still nice and high around 3pm when i got to beth’s work, dropped off the car and hightailed it to my office via foot… what a fun-filled and sweaty experience that was.

Ah joys and joys

I’m a shit

May 19, 2011 in FRUSTRATIONS, Musings | Permalink

This morning I am trying to work on my D&D campaign that starts this weekend… I am working on it pretty diligently, transferring character sheets over to a smaller version, sure it’s a version that is less Wow and Ooo but it loads well and quickly for me and it will be easier to move and print and the like.  That said, I am working, it is going okay.. Logan wakes up and all is fine but my patience begins wearing thing quickly and I start telling myself that I am shitty for feeling this way… my son is up, the brilliant beautiful boy I cherish and love should be my entire focus, no?  So what that I have something else to do.. I don’t want to be one of these people who have better things to do than be with their kids.

Shit.. some people I know, they no sooner had a kid and they were off doing date nights, getting nana to watch the baby while they are off resuming their lives as if it didn’t happen. That is not to say they are bad parents, just different, but i have hardly ever been away from Logan longer than a work day.  Do i have the desire for a night on my own from time to time or a night with beth alone, no boy waking up in the middle of the night, sure but at the same time i cherish every second i have with him.  So when i got upset this morning I started on a downward spiral of inner hate.  Hating that i cannot finish things I start, drawings, stories, concepts… Hating that I need to find another job… Hating that i am struggling with my weight; with money; with caring about myself.

I hate using the word hate, dislike is so much less angry sounding but the truth is I am a pretty angry person when it comes down to it and I hate.  HATE!

I also Love… I love my family and friends.  I love Beth and Logan.  I love Jhen and Terri.  I love my family and my friends who are so close they are like family.  I love winter and snow and rain (though cold rain could suck my left nut).

So anyway.. there i am, typing along, Logan doing his thing, i stop from time to time to check in on him and stop him from running or spilling water.  I get my files saved though still not doing what I want with them… I try to rename the folder they are in and I cannot.  What do you mean I can’t… I don’t have permissions… “What?”  It’s MY fucking folder!  I am not a windows guy.. I would like to learn more about it but OS’s give me the willies and I really should know more about the OS i am supporting but i know the basics and that gets me through.. that and I am a master web searcher… anyway.. I get more and more pissed.. think i have figured it out and fail again.  I lost it.. i mean literally started slamming my fist down into my keyboard scaring beth most likely, scaring Logan, and breaking the keyboard (in so much as keys went flying all over the place).  So i calm down.. start putting it beck together.. the space key with it’s little metal bar underneath has Always been my nemesis and today was no different… in fixing it i broke it.. it still works it’s just a little lighter than it used to be… same with the enter key on both my number keypad and the keypad itself.. three of the most integral fucking keys.. yay me

Coming to work… where to stop.. indulge or not.. money is tight.. okay decision made… get there.. are we going in, i think no but i can see the look of disappointment whether it was meant to be there or not and honestly i feel it too… thursday, or wednesday, whenever beth’s late day is used to be family morning time.. of course that was when i was not employed but it was there and it was great and fun and awesome and i miss it.. so thursday mornings are tough on me because it’s a tease of what used to be there.  So i say we can go in and she says i don’t want you to be late.. considerate and i love her for it but at that second i got pissed and stormed off… why? i don’t get it… because if we did go in i would have been late.. she did me a favor, i know it and i love it but at that moment i could not be reasoned with nor did I want to be

I get to work.. no scanny dohicky… looking at bank account, rent still has to come out and we have how much? Fuck… need to change the morning routine.. need better breakfast choices, coffee maker is fine… micorowave and over and stove work fine.. set alarm a little early and will be fine… fuck i hate change

My schedule is changing in a few weeks and it will not be a fun schedule… not in the least as the start time is earlier than i expected before… Not sure how we will arrange this… time to think.. think think think…

wow.. i posted a blog

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